time's a-changin

I'm unsure about how to start this entry.  There are some major changes about to take place in my life.  The boyfriend and I have split up and he will be moving out of the apartment soon. 

It's so weird.  Breaking up is never a fun thing to go through, but it's crazy when two people decide they don't want to be together anymore and yet i have to see him everyday.  I have to sleep in the bed that we used to share.  All his things are still in the apartment.  It's almost like I'm living with the ghost of him.  I don't spend much time around him.  Actually yesterday we missed each other entirely.  I come home and see that he's been there though.  It's nearly like breaking up on a daily basis.  I think I could be alright if I didn't have to look at him.  All the heartache comes rushing back in everytime he comes in and leaves again.  I continue to have my doubts about where he's been every night for the past couple of weeks of our relationship and my feelings of suspecion have not lessened.  He's free to do what he wants, I just don't want to know about it. 

I wish people wouldn't just say the things that they think you'd like to hear just because you're in a relationship.  Don't tell someone you want to be with them forever if you don't really mean it.  When forever doesn't come, it makes everything you look back on in the past year feel like a lie. 

I'm excited to live on my own again.  Everything is going to work out for me-i'm sure of it.  I'm just ready to get started.  Ready for him to move out so I can start over fresh and new.  His lingering presence is too much for me.  It's seems crazy that someone can tell you they love you one day and the next day they can't even look at you.  It hurts.  But they say time heals all wounds.  Everything gets better with time. 

So often I get the feeling that there's no one out there for me.  Maybe I'm incapable of having a long-standing, strong relationship.  I think that probably b/c soooo many of my friends are married or engaged and that sort-of makes me want it too.  I guess it's just the tought of marriage that I like.  Thinking about it logically, that's not something to take lightly.  What a huge commitment!  You have to promise to love that person forever, FOREVER!??  Can that even happen? How do you know?  Some sort of proverbial lightswitch comes on and tells you this is the one??  I guess you just know when you know. 

Things are going to be ok for me, I just know it.

Guess who's baaaaack!!

I'm back on Xanga, not that anyone's day will stop due to this.  I'm just not satisfied with MySpace's blog feedback or lack thereof. 

Did you ever have one of those days where you thought everything was going so well and someone made it a point to let you know that you still suck?  I did yesterday.  I was having the best week since my co-worker thinks she has whiplash or something.  I love it when she's not here because she's one of those horriable people who thinks everything she does should be plated in gold.  Anywho, i thought the week was going GREAT until my supervisor decided she was unhappy with admissions to the state hospital not being as many or as often as she wanted.  How the hell do i have control over who they take or when they take them?  Needless to say, it ruined my week.  I really thought i was doing well. 

"That's why... I say... fuck it"

So anyways, this coworker of mine ALWAYS has something wrong with her.  She thinks she has an ear infection, sinus problems, dizzyness, scabies, dyslexia, ADD, hell something.  There's nothing i'm more sick of than hearing everyone up here bitch about how sick they are or how bad their lives are.  How the hell can you look at these patients every day and think YOUR life is fucked up?  There's people here who may never, ever lead anything close to a 'normal' life and you think yours is worth wasting my time over?  Get over yourself.  It's not a lack of compassion in any degree.  The thing is, my body is only alotted so much compassion and it's used on people who really NEED it, not on hearing about how you have to eat noodles all week because you bought some stupid shit or hearing about how you're soooo sick for whatever new crap you've made up today.  Dang! 

That's all i have to say about that...

It's been a long week and I'd like a glass of white zinfindel. 

I'll never have to play my clarinet again after tonight if I don't want to!  Tonight is my final band concert.  This marks the end of my 12 year band career.  I think I'll miss the idea of concert band in the springtime and flagline in the fall, but I certainly won't miss all the work it takes to get there.

The end of college is getting closer and closer...

Graduation is so close I can taste it...it's something like blue pixie stix

I signed up for my cap and gown Wednesday and ordered my announcements.  I was too excited to get my graduation photo taken.  I think it's gonna turn out well.  We took pics for AST's composit for this year Wednesday as well.  It's gonna be awesome!

I'm "working" in the band hall tonight.  That constitutes sitting here listening to the muffled remnants of people inside practice rooms until 10:30.  It's overwhelmingly boring, to say the least.

My boyfriend came to visit me Monday.  I love it when he does things like that! 

I'll be in Hot Springs tomorrow afternoon.  I might take off early from internship since it'll prolly be a slow day.  My supervisor isn't going to be there so I have to leach onto other workers in order to find something to do.  Yeah, I'll prolly leave after lunch.  I need to get there early so I can spend some time with John since I need to get into bed early...I have to be up at 4AM to get ready for work at 5.  I took a job as Breakfast Hostess at the Hampton Inn.  It's not a bad job.  I just HATE getting up that early.  On the other hand, I am off by noon.  I have the rest of the day to do with as I please, which will prolly be sleeping cause I'm so tired from the night before meaning that I won't be able to sleep Saturday night causing me to be sleepy Sunday afternoon when I get off.  Hmmm....I don't think I like this job...

A few weeks ago, someone said something to me that made my day.  I was holding a baby at internship waiting for his mother to get there for her visit when another student said that I'd be a good mom.  Me?  No one has ever said anything remotely close to that in my life!  I remember back when I was going to work at Med-Camp and a friend says, "YOU'RE going to work with special kids??"  That felt awful.  Anyway, such a simple comment really made me feel good.  I've learned so much about myself and children while at this internship.  I used to be afraid of them.  they look so fragile and I don't wanna be the one to break one!!  After transporting them a couple of times and actually holding them for myself, I realized that they're muchj sturdier creatures than i imagined.  I've never played with the thought of children of my own.  Maybe that isn't such a crazy idea after all...in the future, that is!! :)